It’s amazing what good can come from simply not being a jerk.
So much of the good life is predicated on relationships.
Forming authentic and inspired bonds with people is not just fulfilling,
but also incredibly productive.
When I think about all good leaders I want to follow and how I would want to mold and model my life, “don’t be a jerk” seems like the easiest to start with and although a lot of my leadership principles don’t follow a sequential pattern, this one is first. Ironically, in coaching people how to become better leaders or better versions of themselves, I rarely want them to take a stand “against” something because it’s far more impactful to be “for” something. Focusing on the negatives (don’t, can’t, won’t etc.) is a weaker way to formulate a life and leadership philosophy, however, there’s intention behind this one.
We all might know what a “jerk” looks or sounds like and we definitely know what one feels like. While I could flip this around to be a bit lighter and more fun saying something like “be kind”, I want to be very clear about my own personal leadership philosophy. Being kind or nice is too broad; not being a jerk is bold and frankly a lot easier, especially within some sort of leadership context. Being nice or kind leaves a lot of room for interpretation and can put is in situations that weaken our positions which is not ideal as a leader. Not being a jerk allows us to respond in a variety of ways that can strengthen relationships, our influence and honor the people around us.
Like all good places to start, how we define “jerk” seems necessary; the cultural context of my experience seems to be enough for me but maybe not everyone. There’s an incredible article found on The Ringer that explores what the original meaning of “jerk” meant (stupid, foolish, similar to idiot) and how in a relatively short time period it has changed (now “an objectionable or obnoxious person” according to Oxford’s). All of those definitions could possibly fit but it’s always best to be very clear. In my opinion, especially within my environment, what I’m referring to is the embodiment of the verb “jerk” (moving something violently, surprisingly with force).
Being a jerk when leading people is like choosing to put a leash on them. The people you lead or the people you have any sort of influence with which is most likely more than you know, and making them walk where you walk because they have to, not because they want to. The slightest deviation they might make is met with the punishment and coercion of a jerk of the leash, whipping their eyes and head forward. To encourage this even further, the leash is tightened and shortened because even a slight look to the side is on par with being off the path for the leader.
Being a jerk in this way is simply about exercising control, rather than influence. Instead, imagine walking side by side with the people you lead, trusting each other, delighting in one another rather than undermining them, taking advantage of them, or simply losing sight of their humanity.
There are no ways to move forward in any capacity without the ability to work with others which sounds so fundamentally elementary, but maybe there’s a reason working with others is taught so much in elementary school. Therefore, if this is true and we know that it is, how much better is it to lead with this in mind at all times?
Getting even more specific, what does this look like? The Bible has a lot to say about this:
“Be done with all deceit, hypocrisy, jealousy, and all unkind speech.” (1 Peter 2:1)
“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3)
“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-38)
A point of distinction; not being a jerk is not equivalent to love, but it is a good place to start. Sometimes our loving actions can be interpreted as being “jerk-ish” on the rare occasion, however, I believe those are the exceptions. Not just as a leader, but as a person, I want to always carry an atmosphere of invitation, curating the space around me to be as welcoming as possible.
The need for manipulation doesn’t exist if you are not a jerk. The relationships you can form are wide, and potentially deep, creating a working database of connection not just in times of need or wants, but for the enjoyment of life.
Not being a jerk is something that we all can do, regardless of context, circumstance or any number of uncontrollable variables relatively well and it’s a place we all can start from and continually grow in. It is not something we need to actively be doing, on the hunt for situations to practice but a lifestyle for us to respond to situations with.
So, the next time someone comes to your office door to interrupt you, or the next time you’re invited to a meeting you don’t want to go to, or that cashier is taking way too long; lower the bar, hand yourself and that person some grace…and don’t be a jerk.